You want to mention them. You can feel their name forming in your mouth — in the middle of a conversation about cooking, or holidays, or something they would have found hilarious. But you stop yourself. You glance around. You worry that saying their name will make things awkward, or make someone cry, or remind people of something they're trying not to think about.
So you say nothing. And the silence grows.
Why we avoid saying their name
The discomfort around mentioning someone who has died isn't personal. It's cultural. Western societies have developed a set of unwritten rules about death that psychologist Kenneth Doka calls "disenfranchised grief" — grief that cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially supported.
Doka, K.J. (Ed.) (1989). Disenfranchised Grief: Recognizing Hidden Sorrow. Lexington Books.These rules don't just apply to unusual losses. They apply to all death-related conversation. We learn, without anyone explicitly teaching us, that mentioning the dead is risky. That it might "upset" someone. That the kind thing to do is avoid the topic.
In reality, the opposite is usually true.
What the bereaved actually want
Megan Devine, a psychotherapist and grief educator, documents a pattern that will be familiar to anyone who has lost someone: the isolating silence that descends after the initial wave of condolences. Friends stop calling. Colleagues change the subject. Family members tiptoe around the name of the person who died.
Devine, M. (2017). It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand. Sounds True.The bereaved experience this silence not as kindness, but as erasure. It feels as though the world has collectively decided to pretend the person never existed. And while nobody intends this, the effect is the same: the grieving person is left alone with their memories, uncertain whether anyone else still thinks about the person they've lost.
Research on emotional disclosure and bereavement confirms that social context significantly shapes the bereaved person's ability to speak openly, which in turn affects their grief adjustment.
Stroebe, M., Stroebe, W., Schut, H., Zech, E., & van den Bout, J. (2002). Does disclosure of emotions facilitate recovery from bereavement?. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 70(1), 169–178.How to bring them up naturally
The good news is that talking about someone who has died doesn't require special training or perfect words. It requires willingness and a few practical approaches.
Use their name. Instead of "your loss" or "what happened," say "I was thinking about David" or "This reminds me of something Sarah used to do." Using their name signals that you remember them as a person, not just as an absence.
Share a specific memory. "I keep thinking about the time your mum made everyone try her terrible pasta" is infinitely better than "I'm thinking of you." Specific memories are gifts — they show that the person mattered to you, too.
Don't wait for permission. You don't need to ask "Is it OK if I mention them?" Just mention them. If the person isn't ready to talk, they'll let you know. But in most cases, they'll be relieved that someone finally did.
Accept that it might bring tears. Tears aren't a sign that you've done something wrong. They're a sign that the memory matters. The bereaved person was probably already thinking about them — you just gave them permission to show it.
Follow their lead. If they want to talk about the person, listen. If they want to change the subject, let them. The gift isn't the conversation itself — it's the signal that you're willing to have it.
If you're supporting someone who is grieving, the most helpful thing you can say is often the simplest: "I've been thinking about [name]." You don't need to fix anything. You just need to remember.
When you're the bereaved person
Talking about the person you've lost can feel risky from the other side, too. You might worry about making others uncomfortable, or about being perceived as "not moving on." Doka's later work on disenfranchised grief addresses how social norms actively suppress death-related talk, and the measurable harm this causes.
Doka, K.J. (Ed.) (2002). Disenfranchised Grief: New Directions, Challenges, and Strategies for Practice. Research Press.A few approaches that bereaved people have found helpful:
Give people permission. "I love talking about her — you can mention her anytime" removes the guesswork for people who want to but aren't sure if they should.
Start small. Mention them casually in conversation — "Dad would have loved this weather" — rather than waiting for a Big Conversation. Small mentions normalise the practice and make it easier for others to follow.
Invite stories from others. "What do you remember about him?" opens a door that many people want to walk through but won't approach on their own. Giving someone a specific, easy way to participate — like recording a short voice memory — removes the paralysis of not knowing what to say.
The science behind saying their name
The reluctance to talk about the dead isn't based on evidence. It's based on cultural scripts that researchers have been dismantling for decades. The five-stage model, which implies grief has a tidy endpoint, has contributed to the idea that mentioning the deceased risks "setting someone back." But grief doesn't work that way.
Modern grief theory — from continuing bonds to the Dual Process Model — consistently shows that maintaining a connection to the deceased through conversation and storytelling is adaptive, not regressive.
The most helpful thing you can do for someone who is grieving is also one of the simplest: say the name. Share a memory. Don't wait for the right moment — there isn't one. Just begin, and trust that your willingness to remember means more than having the perfect words.
Collect the stories people carry about someone you love.
Their Story makes it easy for friends and family to record short audio memories, turning them into a lasting digital keepsake.